My life has surprised me.
I work towards a constant, an ideal, but that journey has been strewn with the unexpected.
It's hasn't always been good surprise. As is expected.
Events, people, relationships and ideals that I believed in, held on to and was certain would bring me happiness did not. They were supposed to be the constants that marked a respite from my journey. These things were initially important by virtue of the joy that they brought me, but after some time, that dynamic began to change. They began to derive their importance from how tightly I held on and rarely gave me any joy. The worse I felt, the less of a stimulus I needed to hold on, to prove their importance to myself. And the less joy I got from them.
Many of these things have fallen away with time and distance and because other factors have forced my hand and brought me to unwilling surprise.
However, I have never given up something I held on to willingly or peacefully. Never without a fight with myself. I believed that holding on could revive anything and that giving up meant weakness. That the weight of significance was a good thing. After some time, my emotional ties to my ideals - both of people and principles - tethered me to things that did not make me happy.
And then one day, I was surprised.
I walked away, willingly, without a fight from an old God. And the freedom was empowering. I thought that if I cut the tie the emotion would dissipate and that of course would be the real crime. But it didn't. It just became less weighty. Less fraught with unnecessary significance. It brought me joy.
I was so surprised.
There have been good surprises too. So many.
I lived a life that at 16 I wouldn't have wished on my worst enemy. Now, I've had a great life - don't get me wrong - but at 16 I was a blindly ambitious, dogmatic young woman not open to any way but the one that I wanted. Regardless of why I wanted it.
I've met people and allowed them to change me and my life forever in ways I never would have expected. Something sacrilegious to the unhappy 16 year old I was. I knew I wasn't perfect, but the changes in myself had to come purely from within, I believed. That was true integrity. The outer world could play no role in my development other than the one I assigned it.
I've been unbelievably happy at times. I've grinned like a Cheshire cat and meant every single gleaming tooth of it.
I've even written incomprehensible blog entries and punted them out into cyberspace. Though why that surprises me I don't know. I've been doing it since I was in middle school.
The element of surprise has booked a permanent seat on this journey, I suppose. It has brought good things and bad. It has pushed me forward and held me back. Its made me who I am.
It has even created this middle school essay style post.
Sigh.
Shall try better next time.
