The Squirrel Council - A Tribute

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” - Anais Nin

When there are a million thoughts running through my head, how do I pull the right string and spin one of them into a blog post worthy of my readers' time and interest?

When my ever abortive, scattered, entirely non-linear "thought" process, my penchant for SAT words 7 years after the fact, and my entangling sentence structure blocks a smooth way forward, who rises to the occasion and saves me from myself?

I begin a sentence and by the end of it, find myself at the the opposite end of thought process. I argue and counter-argue at the same time that my mind whizzes through ten million solutions.

My taste for theater bemusedly labels this perpetual Brownian motion, 'genius' and sometimes, 'madness'.

My friend's call it 'The Squirrel Council."

Whatever it is, it's the engine of my soul.

I have no idea what the above sentence means. It's counter-intuitive and not even in an ironic or clever way.

You see what I mean?

However, I was trying to make a point before I erupted into that horror of a sentence. Apart from the judgement and labels and my fear of it's entropous nature, The Squirrel Council is what defines me. From its strange and unpredictable depths comes the amorphous

solid, the woman who is perpetually on not one, but at least five tangents.

Some of those journeys end badly. Like my ill-fated venture into sewing stuffed-animal monsters that created 'Horrible Little Guy AKA Robespierre' or my need to prove my worth as a team player by "excelling" at Basketball (which resulted in two fractures - though I'm not convinced that this story is over).

Most of the tangents continue on, sometimes meandering away to look at the flowers, before re-embarking on the trudge forward.

At some, not so wonderful parts of my life, the past three years for instance, I've fallen off all my tangents and seated myself neatly at the table of my own private reality. Entertaining as it was, it left little room for moving forward from things that I needed to leave behind.

But even in those last three years, while a part of me sat smiling placidly, frozen by good fortune and fear of losing it, life continued.

The Council has pushed me forward, not absolutely or chronologically. Sometimes in one dimension, and definitely not in another; jaggedly. Partially. Relatively. I've been self-possessed and mature in some realms, emotional, quelled by feeling and childish in others. The past, present, and future mingled and pulled me backward, forward, sideways or fixed me in the present and more often that not, the past.

A million thoughts have run through my head and I've nearly never pulled the right string, but yanked at the four that presented themselves and tangled them with all the others.

My ever abortive, scattered, entirely non-linear "thought" process has blocked a smooth way forward, and I stayed where I was in that knot of inexpression, longing and resentment.

All of this has happened before and it will happen again.

But whatever happens, this is where I am today. Where The Council has brought me. To complete imperfection.

Hopefully someday, to completeness in imperfection.

And that is the person who raises her head occasionally and saves me from myself.