Turkey

Just returned from a 10 day trip to Turkey. I have so much to write about I don't know where to begin.

Hopefully I'll have a few pictures and posts up soon.

The Squirrel Council - A Tribute

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” - Anais Nin

When there are a million thoughts running through my head, how do I pull the right string and spin one of them into a blog post worthy of my readers' time and interest?

When my ever abortive, scattered, entirely non-linear "thought" process, my penchant for SAT words 7 years after the fact, and my entangling sentence structure blocks a smooth way forward, who rises to the occasion and saves me from myself?

I begin a sentence and by the end of it, find myself at the the opposite end of thought process. I argue and counter-argue at the same time that my mind whizzes through ten million solutions.

My taste for theater bemusedly labels this perpetual Brownian motion, 'genius' and sometimes, 'madness'.

My friend's call it 'The Squirrel Council."

Whatever it is, it's the engine of my soul.

I have no idea what the above sentence means. It's counter-intuitive and not even in an ironic or clever way.

You see what I mean?

However, I was trying to make a point before I erupted into that horror of a sentence. Apart from the judgement and labels and my fear of it's entropous nature, The Squirrel Council is what defines me. From its strange and unpredictable depths comes the amorphous

solid, the woman who is perpetually on not one, but at least five tangents.

Some of those journeys end badly. Like my ill-fated venture into sewing stuffed-animal monsters that created 'Horrible Little Guy AKA Robespierre' or my need to prove my worth as a team player by "excelling" at Basketball (which resulted in two fractures - though I'm not convinced that this story is over).

Most of the tangents continue on, sometimes meandering away to look at the flowers, before re-embarking on the trudge forward.

At some, not so wonderful parts of my life, the past three years for instance, I've fallen off all my tangents and seated myself neatly at the table of my own private reality. Entertaining as it was, it left little room for moving forward from things that I needed to leave behind.

But even in those last three years, while a part of me sat smiling placidly, frozen by good fortune and fear of losing it, life continued.

The Council has pushed me forward, not absolutely or chronologically. Sometimes in one dimension, and definitely not in another; jaggedly. Partially. Relatively. I've been self-possessed and mature in some realms, emotional, quelled by feeling and childish in others. The past, present, and future mingled and pulled me backward, forward, sideways or fixed me in the present and more often that not, the past.

A million thoughts have run through my head and I've nearly never pulled the right string, but yanked at the four that presented themselves and tangled them with all the others.

My ever abortive, scattered, entirely non-linear "thought" process has blocked a smooth way forward, and I stayed where I was in that knot of inexpression, longing and resentment.

All of this has happened before and it will happen again.

But whatever happens, this is where I am today. Where The Council has brought me. To complete imperfection.

Hopefully someday, to completeness in imperfection.

And that is the person who raises her head occasionally and saves me from myself.

Father's Day

Should I be concerned that my dad sent me this video on Father's day?

Does he have a latent desire to turn into a middle-aged brown rapper? Is he telling me he wants a lawn mower? Or is it those oh so classy 'gas station shades'?

It's okay though - even if he doesn't get his heart's desire he is still cool.

Because I AM his entourage

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Just re-read this book.
It's funny sometimes how timing dictates everything.
When I first read this book at 15, it's story of the decadent, corrupt yet stoic Jay Gatsby irreconcilably holding on to an incorruptible dream meant very little. I don't believe I understood this book or the discussions in class about it. Despite that, it made an impression. Through the years, as life took me through experiences I never expected, I remembered Jay Gatsby and his vision of Daisy.
The image of Daisy in flowing white on a sofa in West Egg on a hot summer's day never really left my mind.
7 years later, today, as I re-read the book, there wasn't a line in that novel that I couldn't relate to.
It was as if the experiences of the last 7 years brought me to the point of understanding the greatness of Jay Gatsby.
Whether in his triumph or tragedy, Jay Gatsby became an every-man of sorts.
The dark side of those things that are considered to be good. Too much of a good thing. The nightmare that lurks within every dream.
I don't really know what I'm writing.
All I can say is that F. Scott Fitzgerald, though he does not inspire joy or beauty, sees events for what they are and shows that to the world on the canvas of a novel with absolute mastery.
A true artist.
View all my reviews

Foldbot Assembly

My dad bought a Foldbot (folding aluminum frame canvas covered Kayak) some years ago and for a while it got no use other than as extra seating in our basement.

But 7 years and one continent later, we are trying to resurrect it.

Sadly, finding a clean body of water to take her out to is proving impossible. Environmental degradation, anyone?

Also, does anyone have any suggestions for places to take her out around Bangalore? Anywhere in a 2 hour radius is fine.

Well anyhow, a bright sunny day cool breeze and mangoes, lemonade and music is making this assembly day quite a lot of fun.

:-)

Summer Lovin'

It's summer baby! Time for swimming, sun and if you're me USMLE studying.

However, as any beauty magazine will tell you, swimming and the sun causes significant hair damage.

Oh yes it does.

I am about to embark to prove the hypothesis that beer is one of the best natural conditioners around. And have some fun doing it ;-)

Truth?

"Child, it's a very bad thing for a woman to face the worst that can happen to her, because after she's faced the worst she can't ever really fear anything again. ....Scarlett, always save something to fear - even as you save something to love...."
— Margaret Mitchell (Gone With the Wind)

FRACK!

Continuing on the theme of things that have surprised me in life, I am in love with Battlestar Galactica.

Now, I'm still watching the 4th season so I don't know anything about how all this turns out and I'm yet to watch the miniseries.

I can't hold it in anymore. I've got to shout it to the universe.

I love this series more than a cold swimming pool on a hot Chennai day.

Why is this a surprise? Well, in high school I secretly turned up my nose at what I called those 'dungeons and dragons and anime' people. I mean the ones who talked only about that sort of thing. I was no cheerleader myself, in fact, I could have been head of the geek squad, so mired was I in all things geeky. But in the imaginary social order of high school, those strange cult-like boys and occasionally girls who walked about looking like they hadn't slept or bathed in days and said strange things like - gods, i don't even know what - repelled me.

Of course, fantasy and sci-fi are two different genres entirely and while I love the latter and can't get my head around the former. Believe me, I've tried. But ''those' kids as I snootily referred to them may have led me to this show earlier.

To the Light.

The Element of Surprise

My life has surprised me.

I work towards a constant, an ideal, but that journey has been strewn with the unexpected.

It's hasn't always been good surprise. As is expected.

Events, people, relationships and ideals that I believed in, held on to and was certain would bring me happiness did not. They were supposed to be the constants that marked a respite from my journey. These things were initially important by virtue of the joy that they brought me, but after some time, that dynamic began to change. They began to derive their importance from how tightly I held on and rarely gave me any joy. The worse I felt, the less of a stimulus I needed to hold on, to prove their importance to myself. And the less joy I got from them.

Many of these things have fallen away with time and distance and because other factors have forced my hand and brought me to unwilling surprise.

However, I have never given up something I held on to willingly or peacefully. Never without a fight with myself. I believed that holding on could revive anything and that giving up meant weakness. That the weight of significance was a good thing. After some time, my emotional ties to my ideals - both of people and principles - tethered me to things that did not make me happy.

And then one day, I was surprised.

I walked away, willingly, without a fight from an old God. And the freedom was empowering. I thought that if I cut the tie the emotion would dissipate and that of course would be the real crime. But it didn't. It just became less weighty. Less fraught with unnecessary significance. It brought me joy.

I was so surprised.

There have been good surprises too. So many.

I lived a life that at 16 I wouldn't have wished on my worst enemy. Now, I've had a great life - don't get me wrong - but at 16 I was a blindly ambitious, dogmatic young woman not open to any way but the one that I wanted. Regardless of why I wanted it.

I've met people and allowed them to change me and my life forever in ways I never would have expected. Something sacrilegious to the unhappy 16 year old I was. I knew I wasn't perfect, but the changes in myself had to come purely from within, I believed. That was true integrity. The outer world could play no role in my development other than the one I assigned it.

I've been unbelievably happy at times. I've grinned like a Cheshire cat and meant every single gleaming tooth of it.

I've even written incomprehensible blog entries and punted them out into cyberspace. Though why that surprises me I don't know. I've been doing it since I was in middle school.

The element of surprise has booked a permanent seat on this journey, I suppose. It has brought good things and bad. It has pushed me forward and held me back. Its made me who I am.

It has even created this middle school essay style post.

Sigh.

Shall try better next time.

When Tenacity Can Be a Bad Thing

"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men. Now, women forget all those things they don’t want to remember, and remember everything they don’t want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly."

- Zora Neale Hurston Their Eyes Were Watching God

Computer Whiiizzzzz

So, ladies and occasional unfortunate men who happen to come by this page...

I have officially added a 'Share on Facebook' button to my blog.

To do it, I had to venture into the HTML.

To say I'm proud of myself (I just copied & pasted from another blog and had to edit some of the code) is an understatement.

Read on faceless minions!