If this makes any sense to you at all - then you and I are on the same page.
And you can recommend music for me to listen to.
Sometimes, I'm in the mood for very calm, relaxing, beautiful music - music that you can't be in a hurry to listen to - you aren't waiting for anything or expecting anything except enjoying the moment.
But music that is appealing to me in all my moods (which are many - believe me) is music that sounds like its coming from a state of the art surround sounds speaker system even on a crappy laptop. Music that envelopes you in whatever state of mind you are. And embodies that quote from that Acid Jazz album in "O.M.U - Jazz Addiction" -- "Rhythm is both the unyielding manacle and the demonic charge that drives a song." But then again - if there is too much going on like most pop rock and hip hop - everything just sounds well...noisy. So theres that subtle balance I guess between the drive, the music and the vocals that unless perfect just kills the song. But when the ratios are perfect - theres no stopping the song.
And I'm not talking about music of one language or genre - I'm pretty open to anything at all.
Any suggestions?
21.5.08
19.5.08
argh i hate double posting but this is necessary
Please excuse the rather strange picture of me up in the lift.
I just got a new camera - which I love btw and wanted to use the B&W
And hence the picture.
Enjoy the new look.
I just got a new camera - which I love btw and wanted to use the B&W
And hence the picture.
Enjoy the new look.
Heady
Nothing profound here really - I really need to get out more.
Um....wow - I'm actually blanking - weird that doesn't happen too often.
Houston is so different from where I grew up i.e. Basking Ridge NJ (we'll exclude H'bad, B'lore for now). Its much more multi-racial than BR NJ. But I guess anyplace is really.
I really have nothing to say. This is the point where I should just go to sleep.
Blah.
Very.
Blah.
Um....wow - I'm actually blanking - weird that doesn't happen too often.
Houston is so different from where I grew up i.e. Basking Ridge NJ (we'll exclude H'bad, B'lore for now). Its much more multi-racial than BR NJ. But I guess anyplace is really.
I really have nothing to say. This is the point where I should just go to sleep.
Blah.
Very.
Blah.
14.5.08
Damnit - theres a solution
So I realized that I should stop thinking so much and doing more.
You know the whole "live life stop analyzing it"
And other assorted quotes see fb profile.
Which is why - today - I'm happier.
You know the whole "live life stop analyzing it"
And other assorted quotes see fb profile.
Which is why - today - I'm happier.
13.5.08
Lost and Found 2
If you're looking for something you didn't lose - it means one of two things:
If it could be decided one way or the other - heaven or hell - black or white - good or bad - the chicken or the egg - then it wouldn't even be life would it?
The medieval knights went on quests - but they were seeking some discrete, identifiable object/dragon/DID - so was it what they learned on the way or the purpose of the quest that them? They went down as epic heroes - insert anachronism here - but Odysseus knew what he was looking for - home and Penelope. And when he got there - that hadn't changed - despite Circe and Dido and the suitors and who knows who else. I'm not interested in how they went down in history - which of course is the purpose of literature of that era - the glorification of one man's deeds - exalting him to a pedestal for society - a HERO. I'm not interested in heroics towards society - I want to know more about these men's heroics to themselves. If that makes sense to you at all (read in an Ayn Rand y kinda way). What drove them?
But I suppose its connected - for all of us (me especially) wavering, wayward, wandering, wondering fools - the HERO's singlmindedness, his pureness of purpose is whats - well - is heroic about him.
Be it Odysseus, King Arthur?, Batman, Superman, Spiderman - they know what they fucking want.
Unlike me.
So I guess my conclusion NOW is (and however disjointed this may seem it somehow works for me):
I never lost it or found it - I never had it or didn't - I'm Still Waiting for something that doesn't exist (under the damn leafless tree - with Vladimir and Estragon) and wandering, lost, in my own paralysis.
- You never had it to begin with OR
- You had it all along
If it could be decided one way or the other - heaven or hell - black or white - good or bad - the chicken or the egg - then it wouldn't even be life would it?
The medieval knights went on quests - but they were seeking some discrete, identifiable object/dragon/DID - so was it what they learned on the way or the purpose of the quest that them? They went down as epic heroes - insert anachronism here - but Odysseus knew what he was looking for - home and Penelope. And when he got there - that hadn't changed - despite Circe and Dido and the suitors and who knows who else. I'm not interested in how they went down in history - which of course is the purpose of literature of that era - the glorification of one man's deeds - exalting him to a pedestal for society - a HERO. I'm not interested in heroics towards society - I want to know more about these men's heroics to themselves. If that makes sense to you at all (read in an Ayn Rand y kinda way). What drove them?
But I suppose its connected - for all of us (me especially) wavering, wayward, wandering, wondering fools - the HERO's singlmindedness, his pureness of purpose is whats - well - is heroic about him.
Be it Odysseus, King Arthur?, Batman, Superman, Spiderman - they know what they fucking want.
Unlike me.
So I guess my conclusion NOW is (and however disjointed this may seem it somehow works for me):
I never lost it or found it - I never had it or didn't - I'm Still Waiting for something that doesn't exist (under the damn leafless tree - with Vladimir and Estragon) and wandering, lost, in my own paralysis.
12.5.08
For A Friend
I wrote this for a friend of mine who was suffering from insomnia - one of those times when I get a little carried away - so here are certain parts for any of you out there that actually read this
My theory:
You are just suffering from the stresses, anxieties and worries that start to hit everyone (fortunate enough to have enough food in their stomach to worry) - depending on you maturity level - somewhere in adulthood. You may not even realize it and may even be in denial (i hope not) but you definitely worry/contemplate about things a lot more now than when you were a kid. Hence the difficulty falling asleep. You have to be at peace with yourself to fall asleep not agitated at all.
For example, here r some of the things that stop a lot of ppl I know from sleeping at night:
1) Life is looming large and you suddenly feel like this tiny bug totally unequal to the challenge
a. When we were kids/in high school things were easy right - just get into college - thats it - one clear cut goal to focus on - we knew what we wanted. You go to sleep at night knowing what your immediate future and your distant future holds for you (college). Plus, our parents were there to help us/make for us any other big decisions - not too much soul searching involved there. And however much we may have wished to be independent and self-reliant we and I at least often underestimate the enormous strength of character that it takes. Its easy to feel overwhelmed.
b. Now our parents [gasp] have moved on in life - they have interests other than us (What Now!?!) and we're left treading water in the middle of what always looked like a gorgeous blue ocean. Its fun initially, but then we realize that we can't tread water forever - college isn't real life - we've got to strike out for shore and actually becoming real live PERSONS! And thats where the paralysis - at least for me - begins.
c. So theres island # 1 - everything all strung out - motorboat to pick you up, nice house, family, everything all set up for you by your parents - immediate safety net - nothing to worry about if you go there. (But going there and getting to that island will have nothing to do with YOU. Nothing on that island is a reflection of you the person - obviously don't knw who that is yet - but that shady shadow of a reflection in the mirror that for some insane reason we all aspire to be)
d. Island # 2 - dark and covered in mist - the only thing you can see - soaring out of the top of the clouds is a beautiful lush green peak reaching toward the sky. But the water on the way there - you don't even know the conditions. Why, there may be knife sharp coral, or waves slamming against rocks - but theres that peak!
e. The rest of the ocean - these are obviously not the only two oceans in the island - there may be many more out there - why should i commit now to these two? But damn, if I have to keep swimming and treading water - not sure how long I can last out on my own.
So you're just there treading water along with all the rest of your peers (other than the few that already have everything figured out - those annoying, pseudo-inspirational and *shudder* exemplary people who you hate/love). Paralyzed about where to go.
So yea, I think I've made my point in incredible detail - YOU HAVE MORE TO WORRY ABOUT NOW THAN WHEN YOU WERE A KID.
[Also this entire thing may not even apply to you - there are some personality types that are fine with just drifting along in the open seas for better or for worse taking whatever life throws at em - I'm not really one of them as much as I wish I could be]
2) So many things to do - I don't even know where to start
3) Etc.
So these are all pretty ubiquitous problems - and they're nt going to go away so your GOAL is not letting them interfere with your sleep. To learn to live with these issues - and not let them overtake who you are and what you do.
God or Godot or Whoever gave us a blessed us with a required 8 hr home free/time off/guilt free ticket. Use it for gods sake! Hehe.
So yea - you don't need a shrink - u just need to get in touch with yourself and listen to Three Little Birds by Bob Marley and not give a fuck that you give a fuck. [Now don't have a seizure - yes i wrote the "F" word . But I am 20 so HA! I'm allowed. Also I'm feeling very wise right now] Who has time to latently worry about being worried. Or even latently worry about being latently worried.
I think life is a success if you can feel as happy and content as when you are drunk/high every second of the day.
Life should be its own stimulant you know.
Follow the suggestions at sleep hygiene article on wikipedia that should help.
If u r really motivated meditate/do yoga/play sports/find something that works for you
PS
Sorry if I bored you with my motivational speech and if it was entirely irrelevant - but if you had as much fun reading it (and chuckling at the insane corniness of my floating around in the ocean bit - which btw is inspired now that i think about it by the movie Joe and the VOlcano with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan - you should watch it) as I had writing it - then my time was not wasted.
Still Amazed at my uber-corniness
-Still Waiting
My theory:
You are just suffering from the stresses, anxieties and worries that start to hit everyone (fortunate enough to have enough food in their stomach to worry) - depending on you maturity level - somewhere in adulthood. You may not even realize it and may even be in denial (i hope not) but you definitely worry/contemplate about things a lot more now than when you were a kid. Hence the difficulty falling asleep. You have to be at peace with yourself to fall asleep not agitated at all.
For example, here r some of the things that stop a lot of ppl I know from sleeping at night:
1) Life is looming large and you suddenly feel like this tiny bug totally unequal to the challenge
a. When we were kids/in high school things were easy right - just get into college - thats it - one clear cut goal to focus on - we knew what we wanted. You go to sleep at night knowing what your immediate future and your distant future holds for you (college). Plus, our parents were there to help us/make for us any other big decisions - not too much soul searching involved there. And however much we may have wished to be independent and self-reliant we and I at least often underestimate the enormous strength of character that it takes. Its easy to feel overwhelmed.
b. Now our parents [gasp] have moved on in life - they have interests other than us (What Now!?!) and we're left treading water in the middle of what always looked like a gorgeous blue ocean. Its fun initially, but then we realize that we can't tread water forever - college isn't real life - we've got to strike out for shore and actually becoming real live PERSONS! And thats where the paralysis - at least for me - begins.
c. So theres island # 1 - everything all strung out - motorboat to pick you up, nice house, family, everything all set up for you by your parents - immediate safety net - nothing to worry about if you go there. (But going there and getting to that island will have nothing to do with YOU. Nothing on that island is a reflection of you the person - obviously don't knw who that is yet - but that shady shadow of a reflection in the mirror that for some insane reason we all aspire to be)
d. Island # 2 - dark and covered in mist - the only thing you can see - soaring out of the top of the clouds is a beautiful lush green peak reaching toward the sky. But the water on the way there - you don't even know the conditions. Why, there may be knife sharp coral, or waves slamming against rocks - but theres that peak!
e. The rest of the ocean - these are obviously not the only two oceans in the island - there may be many more out there - why should i commit now to these two? But damn, if I have to keep swimming and treading water - not sure how long I can last out on my own.
So you're just there treading water along with all the rest of your peers (other than the few that already have everything figured out - those annoying, pseudo-inspirational and *shudder* exemplary people who you hate/love). Paralyzed about where to go.
So yea, I think I've made my point in incredible detail - YOU HAVE MORE TO WORRY ABOUT NOW THAN WHEN YOU WERE A KID.
[Also this entire thing may not even apply to you - there are some personality types that are fine with just drifting along in the open seas for better or for worse taking whatever life throws at em - I'm not really one of them as much as I wish I could be]
2) So many things to do - I don't even know where to start
3) Etc.
So these are all pretty ubiquitous problems - and they're nt going to go away so your GOAL is not letting them interfere with your sleep. To learn to live with these issues - and not let them overtake who you are and what you do.
God or Godot or Whoever gave us a blessed us with a required 8 hr home free/time off/guilt free ticket. Use it for gods sake! Hehe.
So yea - you don't need a shrink - u just need to get in touch with yourself and listen to Three Little Birds by Bob Marley and not give a fuck that you give a fuck. [Now don't have a seizure - yes i wrote the "F" word . But I am 20 so HA! I'm allowed. Also I'm feeling very wise right now] Who has time to latently worry about being worried. Or even latently worry about being latently worried.
I think life is a success if you can feel as happy and content as when you are drunk/high every second of the day.
Life should be its own stimulant you know.
Follow the suggestions at sleep hygiene article on wikipedia that should help.
If u r really motivated meditate/do yoga/play sports/find something that works for you
PS
Sorry if I bored you with my motivational speech and if it was entirely irrelevant - but if you had as much fun reading it (and chuckling at the insane corniness of my floating around in the ocean bit - which btw is inspired now that i think about it by the movie Joe and the VOlcano with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan - you should watch it) as I had writing it - then my time was not wasted.
Still Amazed at my uber-corniness
-Still Waiting
9.5.08
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