Lost and Found 2

If you're looking for something you didn't lose - it means one of two things:

• You never had it to begin with OR
  
• You had it all along
  

So where does that put you in your everyday life? In a purgatory of small talk, analysis, duty and routine?

If it could be decided one way or the other - heaven or hell - black or white - good or bad - the chicken or the egg - then it wouldn't even be life would it?

The medieval knights went on quests - but they were seeking some discrete, identifiable object/dragon/DID - so was it what they learned on the way or the purpose of the quest that them? They went down as epic heroes - insert anachronism here - but Odysseus knew what he was looking for - home and Penelope. And when he got there - that hadn't changed - despite Circe and Dido and the suitors and who knows who else. I'm not interested in how they went down in history - which of course is the purpose of literature of that era - the glorification of one man's deeds - exalting him to a pedestal for society - a HERO. I'm not interested in heroics towards society - I want to know more about these men's heroics to themselves. If that makes sense to you at all (read in an Ayn Rand y kinda way). What drove them?

But I suppose its connected - for all of us (me especially) wavering, wayward, wandering, wondering fools - the HERO's singlmindedness, his pureness of purpose is whats - well - is heroic about him.

Be it Odysseus, King Arthur?, Batman, Superman, Spiderman - they know what they fucking want.

Unlike me.

So I guess my conclusion NOW is (and however disjointed this may seem it somehow works for me):

I never lost it or found it - I never had it or didn't - I'm Still Waiting for something that doesn't exist (under the damn leafless tree - with Vladimir and Estragon) and wandering, lost, in my own paralysis.