Awesome Psychobabble

Sometimes, I feel like the 20's are a sort of extended adolescence. You no longer are that person you were in "high school," but you haven't exactly left behind all the prejudices, prides and pitfalls of that phase of post-pubertal "emotional attyachar." That being said, 23 is a much better look for me - both emotionally and physically - than 14, 15 or even 17 was. These past 3 years, I've found myself moving forwards, towards the career and life I have always dreamt of, while at the same time, battling and laying to rest demons of the past.

When I was a teenager I always imagined myself to be sort of a citizen of the world, with no true home and wandering ways - contributing my supposed genius for the betterment of humanity on a whole. I attended, sequentially one of NJ's best public schools and Bangalore's best international school, was President of my school's Model United Nations club, played Western classical violin but listened to Lata Mangeshkar's Meera Bhajans and Led Zeppelin in my down time with equal love. I hated all things British (except Prince William and Harry Potter) and loved all things American, refused to wear "Indian clothes" unless there was a particular occasion, had dreams of becoming a UN diplomat/medical professional and had a an almost ostracizing hatred for anyone exhibiting signs of being a "popular kid" at school. So yes, I'd say I was a pretty well adjusted ABCD.

While I defined myself by my plurality and supposed intellect (let's be honest - I was and still am a total nerd through and through), the tight grip I had on this identity based on "openness and non-judgement" was about as false as it was a stranglehold on growing past the walls my assumed identity built around me. (Whoa! monster sentence. But I'm not going to change it. Decipher B*tches!) The past few years have forced me to confront situations and people that my previous identity would never have approved of. I've had to, like all of us do once past the privilege of childhood, get through disappointments and sorrow.

This doesn't always happen in large ways with fanfare and trumpets. Former anglophobic me now finds that the British are some of the most interesting people around. I actually enjoy their music, pop culture and yes, even the humor! I avoided all "dungeons and dragons" types like the plague, as I called gamers, in high school, but now, a sizable number of my crew embraces virtual reality over well, reality. And what about the desi angle, you may ask? Well, I've gone from a girl who didn't own a single salwar and scoffed at wearing "indian clothes" to her first day of college in Chennai, India to someone who can (sorta) rock a sari (*reminder to self: cross off bucket list*) and feels sometimes more comfortable in a salwar kameez. Now I'm sorry if all these supposedly life changing changes sound superficial and contrived, but honestly, it used to be these superficial and contrived things that defined my teenage identity. I suppose yes, that means that as a teenager I was somewhat superficial and contrived. Huh. And I thought I was a free thinking world citizen. Maybe those terrible teens are years where hormonal children try on everything bad or at least, most identifiably characteristic of an "adult" for size. Except it's all at once - hence the train wrecks.

All that being said, what I like about the 20's is that it gives me the opportunity to grow past the jingoism of my youth, the identity-brandishing abasement of things that were my opposite, into a little more settled, relaxed, embrace of who you really are and would like to be. You no longer feel the need to constantly prove and identify yourself to the world on a personal level (professionally, is another matter altogether), to shun "the others" who are not like you and to wear the Weezer T-shirt because god forbid people thing you're an N'Sync fan because you hang out with teeny boppers.

The twenties are sort of a decade of disabusement, or should be. It's a painful decade too because sometimes, hitting the reset button on beliefs you've held onto and people you have loved and trusted for a long time can be incredibly disturbing. I think I may have adult ADHD. Seriously.

Maybe it's just the natural progression of things. I mean, after all Prince William is both balding and married, the United Nations has failed to prevent yet another war and politically seems a bit of a banana republic, I've fallen prey entirely to the British invasion and they've given me a medical degree! I'd like to think that all human beings naturally progress from their teens into their twenties and that with the addition of a 2 to their age, comes a difference in the way they view the world. But when I look around me, and see the behavior of older adults around us - what with the hatred, intolerance, tunnel-vision and selfishness, I often wonder - what was their youth like?

Either way - this seems to be the decade that defines men and women for better or worse in the years to come. I suppose that regardless of what happens, I'm already me - that's my identity - and can just take it from there to wherever it is I want to go. As long as I can remain non-judgmental, open to new experiences and work a little harder, things will continue to look good.

:-)

PS - About the picture at the top of this entry. I don't know. I just like it. It reminds of hipsters. Who, by the way are about as horribly as un-twenty something and as close to teenagers as I can get. But I thought it was funny.