Xanga!

Since Google is my soul mate, I tend to Google myself every few weeks (maybe he'll notice me!)

This time, I found my old profile on Xanga! I found my 14-18 year old angsty cyber self and my wonderful wonderful friends from Basking Ridge and beyond who commented on nearly every post.

Looking back on some of the entries I wrote before I started medical school, filled with apprehensions, excitement and more than a little dose of self-pity....I can't form sentences anymore, too many facts to understand and memorize and multiple choice questions to rally against (Step 1 on Tuesday!).

It was just nice to see that in spite of the fact that I was so scared and so unsure of how things were going to turn out, they really did turn out okay and I'm sure they will again in the future regardless of the fact that I'm now, without even a shadow of a doubt, an adult. It's just a different degree of uncertainty and stress I suppose. (Where will I live? Will I get the job I want? Will I end up with someone? Will I save the world effectively? Will I do well on STEP 1? What's for breakfast?). It's also strange to transition from the system of achievement in childhood, which is pretty low risk, high rewards (you study, you do well, you go to college, you study, you do well.) to the adult world which is all about learning to take risks and deciding which rewards are worth your while. I suppose in childhood, I felt secure and confident in going through the motions of achievement that I just don't feel anymore, and that's what kept me grounded. The friends, fun and social life, were the unpredictable high risk, high reward part of life (I was a pretty introverted, nerdy child).

Things have kind of changed - the people in my life, family and friends are the rocks and everything else revolves around that, regardless of how important it is. Besides of course, my need to save the world and make some small, effective difference in people's lives - even if it's only 1 person a year.

But for right now, keeping in mind that there were so many points in my life in the past where I was this, if not more scared, uncertain and and almost cowed by the circumstances, I need to go get started, face that thing that scares the crap out of me, and walk through to the other side - where a beautiful wedding and a metallica concert (maybe) await.

:)