Xanga!

Since Google is my soul mate, I tend to Google myself every few weeks (maybe he'll notice me!)

This time, I found my old profile on Xanga! I found my 14-18 year old angsty cyber self and my wonderful wonderful friends from Basking Ridge and beyond who commented on nearly every post.

Looking back on some of the entries I wrote before I started medical school, filled with apprehensions, excitement and more than a little dose of self-pity....I can't form sentences anymore, too many facts to understand and memorize and multiple choice questions to rally against (Step 1 on Tuesday!).

It was just nice to see that in spite of the fact that I was so scared and so unsure of how things were going to turn out, they really did turn out okay and I'm sure they will again in the future regardless of the fact that I'm now, without even a shadow of a doubt, an adult. It's just a different degree of uncertainty and stress I suppose. (Where will I live? Will I get the job I want? Will I end up with someone? Will I save the world effectively? Will I do well on STEP 1? What's for breakfast?). It's also strange to transition from the system of achievement in childhood, which is pretty low risk, high rewards (you study, you do well, you go to college, you study, you do well.) to the adult world which is all about learning to take risks and deciding which rewards are worth your while. I suppose in childhood, I felt secure and confident in going through the motions of achievement that I just don't feel anymore, and that's what kept me grounded. The friends, fun and social life, were the unpredictable high risk, high reward part of life (I was a pretty introverted, nerdy child).

Things have kind of changed - the people in my life, family and friends are the rocks and everything else revolves around that, regardless of how important it is. Besides of course, my need to save the world and make some small, effective difference in people's lives - even if it's only 1 person a year.

But for right now, keeping in mind that there were so many points in my life in the past where I was this, if not more scared, uncertain and and almost cowed by the circumstances, I need to go get started, face that thing that scares the crap out of me, and walk through to the other side - where a beautiful wedding and a metallica concert (maybe) await.

:)

Faithful Fear

I'm finally at the point that has been bearing down upon me since before I started medical school. The point of taking boards and officially jumping on the shaky wagon train that leads to a US Residency position.

I don't think I have ever taken an exam (except perhaps the SAT) upon which is placed so much pressure. I really feel like this is a do or die situation, and while I suppose that works to charge up some people, it only demotivates me.

Every other academic success I have had in the past has come from a calm, objective, controlled approach to the exam or test. Even during final year, as nervous as I was, I enjoyed my study holidays and dissociated myself from the fear of results. Other than prior to practical exams, I have never really let fear get to me substantially.

I can't say the same for this exam. I'm terribly afraid, not as well prepared as I'd like and really feeling the pressure -as I have these past 10 months.

That being said, I really feel like I need to rationalize the situation, I need to have a more positive outlook and faith in something larger - that would really do far more for me than the most intense studying.

I read the following on Conrad Fischer's blog. I really hope that as I write this, I can find a greater peace in the belief that Step 1, my preparations for it and ultimately, the results are all part of a much larger game - a game that regardless of my success or failure on these exams, I am already a part of.

Making efforts without seeing results is difficult. Un-requited love has a certain pleasure in the pain of the inability to connect, but struggling for our goals, making efforts, working and not seeing it go closer is more denervating. There is no heart lacerating endorphin surge with that effort. I have been contemplating the thousands of students and doctors I have been meeting in my travels around the outer geography of this American Civilization. America, you must remember, is an idea, more than it is a place. Because of the nature of my position, an enormous amount of anxiety flows my way from people. It lacerates me like a cold wind on a loveless day. People want reality to be different than reality. Some other answer than work hard, score high, apply wide, get your work double checked. Last night a woman comes to me apopleptic with paralytic fear “Should I take Step 3 now?” her fear comes across to me in an instant like a fragrance or perfume, I smell the fear and feel my own muscles tense. Turns out she has a 99 on BOTH step 1 and step 2. Everyone has fear. Our futures, mine too, are uncertain. Yours with USMLE and residency and mine with my book ‘Routine Miracles”. I am in the same boat as you, so I encourage you to have faith. If my number one goal is a mere external like book sales, then I will be anxious. If my goal is the beautification of this Civilization through the ideas of my book, then I am free. Faith: Making efforts in the direction of your dream in the absence of tangible results in front of you. When you are on your mission to find your residency, if your highest goal is simply a match, you will have more fear, less satisfaction. If you have faith, that an effort is NOT wasted if it is to make the world better, to heal the sick to relieve suffering and to cleave to HOPE and HEROISM then you will relax. I am in the same circumstances as you. Making efforts, not always seeing results. Let us renew our faith, originating in the beauty of the impulse that we started this voyage with, and know that we will come to a destination, even if we can’t see it at the moment.

It's now October 2011 and in pursuit of the unholy, demonic tyrant of the 240+/99 on the USMLE Step 1 I think I've forgotten why I even started this journey. Yes, the score is important, but more important than that is remembering the purpose behind all this madness. I've been distracted over the past few months. I've even doubted my reasons for wanting to be a doctor. After all, if I remember my 17 year old self - and the excitement with which I approached the unknown field of medicine, the eagerness with which I intended to save the world. And my 2009 final year self - astute, diligent, self-doubting and terrified yet determined to prove myself worthy of  being a doctor.

But they are all sound. I know.

If I keep my future patients as my ultimate goal (Which I can do anyway, since regardless of what happens with residency, I am already a doctor. I am already licensed to practice medicine in India - a country where there is no dearth of medical personnel. Even if this doesn't work out - I still get to do what I want. And if it does, I get to do what I want, even better) I know that I can get through anything.

I've been also learning to think ambitiously, and to some extent, this has corrupted me and my goals. It has set me back more than a few paces.

Ambition is important, yes. But it veils my reasons for doing what I want - and when I forget those, I'm lost.

I'm not 100% where I want to be, but already, I'm less afraid.