(Not) Deja Vu and other Thoughts

• First off, why would a person you haven't spoken to in over 10 years Facebook fling a cupcake at you? I'd be the first to get involved in a messy online food fight, but 10 years, no word and then, arbitrarilly, you get creamed with an "irish cupcake"? Not once, but repeatedly. What the hell?
• I can't seem to see too well. Shit.
  
• Still searching for that genre of music that has the soul of blues without losing the rawness of rock - yet to find it
• Liking Dr.Dog - The Beach courtesy LastFm. Scratch that. Loving it.
  

Reread the first page of Their Eyes Were Watching God for the first time since summer reading before sophomore year i.e. high school. I vividly remember painfully plodding through the pages, driven only by the fact that it was summer, too hot to move and American Studies was supposed to the hardest class in high school. I hated that book.

Today, I found myself in a similar situation, minus American Studies, and I opened up the book again. Heres the first paragraph.

"Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men."

What I glanced over once now has so much more meaning. I couldn't express it better myself. And it saddens me that this paragraph means something to me now. Not that I've had a life of hardship to have a right to such a bleak outlook. But really, sometimes, it just seems like a war of attrition.

Zora Neale Hurston then goes on to say,

"Now, women forget all those things they don't want to remember, and remember everything they don't want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly."

I'm not comfortable with generalizations, but I suppose I've seen a lot of people, particularly women who live life this way. Some would call it hope or faith. I guess you could celebrate it to that level and label it that way, but its essentially just a construct, a filter of viewing the world that works for you. (The truth is unchanged, regardless of what you want, which is why its the truth.)

I do this, I think. It helps things. I'm not really a stand-on-the-shore-and-watch-the-damn-ship-sail-around kind of a girl. But my problem I think, is that I can't ever totally forget the things I don't want to remember. If something happened to you or around you, how can you? Empirical evidence can't be surmounted. Even by delusions. (Well not mine, they're not powerful enough. Maybe I should work on that :P . Because I certainly don't want to be sitting dejectedly on the shore and allow time to mock me. Screw time. "There is no fate that can't be surmounted by scorn." Camus was kind of an idiot, but he made sense.) So, while I am aware what is really going on, I keep trying to surmount it in a way. OMG! The Myth of Sisyphis again.

You know what, I'm going to stop now. Because it seems like all roads are leading to the same thing again. Things are a certain way, take it, or throw it in the dealers face and live your own truth.

Feeling empowered.

Apta

Some Aftershocks

• I don't like or understand varicose veins. I've gotten so used to the direction and dynamics of arterial flow that when they throw veins at me, my mind refuses to accept them. Venous drainage is muy importante APTA! I wish someone would drill that into my head. And its so strange that abnormal dilated tortuous veins, something that seems just unsightly can cause such serious problems.
  
• I also dislike hernias. Its as though the body is just giving up on you. The rectus abdominis has a purpose. Like, do your damn job already. Also, the pathophysiology seems kind of vague. I wonder if they delineated the etiology based on statistical studies or based on actual experimentation. I don't know. I just don't like them.
  
• For some odd reason, oncology has always made perfect sense to me. From an academic persepective they are fascinating. Unfortunately, they don't stay in that realm.
  
• I need to see more patients. Understand and speak more Tamil. I've been here for almost 4 years now, saying I don't understand when these people have a problem is starting to sound like a pretty lame excuse, especially since I want to stay for CRRI. Ok, more random conversations and awkward silences it is. :/
• And I need to read Bailey more often. Its really a very good book.
• And Ireland seems to have produced a lot of very good blues guitarists. From Lastfming, it seems to be that way.
  

More Later. Maybe.